The Results, 11/13/2013 + The Matchups, 11/14/2013

WARNING: For the squeamish amongst you, might I recommend averting your eyes? The results from last night’s jam-packed NBA schedule were anything but pretty.

That is, if you have a soft spot in your heart for my poor, defenseless Derrick Rosie O’Donnells…

The Derrick Rosie O’Donnells

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 9.36.47 AM

Swaggy E

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 9.36.55 AM

Matchup Scoreboard

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 9.36.36 AM

ANALYSIS

So much for all of that Humpdashian-related excitement and triumphalism. Everyone’s least favorite ex netted me all of ONE POINT (0-1 from the field, 1-2 at the line) during his 10 minutes in place of the injured Jared Sullinger.

And so much for Serge Ibaka providing some sort of statistical counterweight to the Oklahoma City Thunder‘s Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, both of whom “suit up” for Swaggy E. Ibaka got himself tossed before halftime of OKC’s loss to the Los Angeles Clippers as a result of this shoving match with Matt Barnes:

Also, I can’t say I’m particularly pleased with what’s happened to Omer Asik’s role with the Houston Rockets. Asik’s playing time has taken a serious hit since head coach Kevin McHale realized that having two bigs of limited offensive skill (i.e. Asik and Dwight Howard) on the floor at the same time wasn’t such a good idea.

The numbers backed up McHale’s hunch. According to NBA.com, the Rockets have scored just 87.3 points per 100 possessions (nearly six points fewer than the Utah Jazz’s bottom-ranked offense) and allowed 103.1 points per 100 possessions (on par with the Los Angeles Lakers‘ 20th-ranked defense) when their two centers have shared the floor.

Hence, Asik played all of four minutes last night during the Rocket’s overtime loss to the Philadelphia 76ers…and registered straight zeros across the board. That makes me a saaaaaaaaaaaaad panda.

But hey, at least Boris Diaw is doing work as a starter for the San Antonio Spurs. He chipped in 15 points, five rebounds and two assists last night in the Spurs’ 92-79 takedown of the Washington Wizards. That alone moves Boris into my all-time top five people named Boris, alongside (in no particular order) Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle’s Boris and Natasha, Boris Karloff (a.k.a. the original Frankenstein), Boris the Spider (RIP John Entwistle) and this Russian guy named Boris who I knew in college.

Now, what kind of carnage can I expect to see on a relatively tame Thursday night?

The Derrick Rosie O’Donnells

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 9.37.46 AM

Swaggy E

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 9.37.55 AM

ANALYSIS

Looks like we’ve got another bloodbath on our hands, folks. Swaggy E’s got the OKC twins going again. To add insult to injury, I’ve got Asik in the early game between the Rockets and the New York Knicks while he has Terrence Jones, the guy who replaced Asik as Houston’s other front-court starter next to Dwight.

I weep for whatever shred of fantasy basketball dignity I have left—and it’s only mid-November!!!

Apparently, my appetite for virtual masochism is boundless.

GO D-RODs!

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